An Open Letter To The RIAA
Thank you so much for ensuring that no one ever be allowed to steal our music. We discovered recently that many of our fans have been illegally sharing our music, and evangelizing in our name. Our fans are criminals! We find this deeply disturbing! What heinous dangers might they be imposing on our society as we speak? As an independent band, we shouldn’t be legitimately acknowledged until we have indebted ourselves to the corporate leeching of a record label. Record labels know much better than fans when it comes to art. Hopefully, with your help, no one will ever hear our music at all!
Please, do everything in your power to arrest these heathens. If you fail to smite this indecency in due time, we fear that within a year or more these unlawful hoodlums may create a massive uprising in our demographics- perhaps even extend our exposure on such a massive scale that we in turn would be incapable of thwarting our own popularity. If such a case arises, our art wouldn’t be vindicated by traditional commercial success, but rather a thriving testament to the artful intelligence of Americans. As a result, American citizens might begin to think for themselves rather than listen to the select and narrow gamut of music MTV provides them. In time, the world elsewhere might even begin to respect American’s ability to appreciate art, diminishing our well earned cultural stance as ignorant brutes to mere artsy sissies.
Duly, we lean upon you to recognize the utmost urgency of this circumstance as a threat to our national security, and wholeheartedly thank you for refusing to even consider revising our antiquated copyright laws in respect to the present day music industry. Your unwavering stubbornness and commitment to bureaucracy is truly astounding.
May McDonough & Company